friday night

Today was another triumph over anxiety...leaving the house.It sounds crazy but it is difficult to leave and go anywhere.I did go to work again today, I was distracted by the work I had until a favorite patient came in and asked me how I was....tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. He new it was serious and came right over to me, I could hardly believe the words that came out of my mouth "Nicole passed away" Oh my God, I have not really said that, it took the wind out of me and we sat for a while and I explained what happened. He filled up with tears but as I spoke about her, this overwhelming happiness started to take place of the sadness. I had tears but they were of joy and gratitude.I started to explain how blessed I was she was mine, how God chose me to have her in my life...in a few minutes I was consoling my patient but I felt peace. That can only come from God, God is allowing me my grief but constantly reminding me of the gift he let me have for 27 years. She always belonged to him...I was privileged to have her for the time I did. And I don't take that for granted for one minute.
After work my dearest friends took me to lunch, they have been trying for weeks. I agreed today and I was glad I did, although I can hardly talk about anything but Nicole, friends are supportive and allow you what ever you need. They were just happy I came out and so was I, it was long over due and much needed therapy. In time I will be better company, I will talk about the things of interest and chuckle out loud, but when your with people who are feeling the same pain as you, its ok for now to just be sad.

The loves of my life

Everyone knows that the human heart is fragile, no doubt, but God knows that and through his grace he heals us and makes us able to handle what we believe to be devastation. Anyone who has been stricken with grief knows alone we are not able to handle the pain, but with God's infinite love all things are healed...even the broken heart of a mother.