Monday night

I'm not sure what is better the morning or the night, right at this moment I don't like either. I can't sleep more than a few hours, I wake up as the "old me" ready to tackle some task...perhaps today will be the day I will put my big toe into work just to test the water and see if I can stay...perhaps today I will tackle some mundane task that has been sitting on my desk, like bills I forgot about, or really don't care about. Perhaps today is the day I shower and get dressed and leave the house....no...none of those things are appealing to me. All I want to do is look at pictures of my daughter and cry. I want to touch her things and feel her presence.That is where my head is.
My heart is on a different planet, happy she is at peace, no more suffering, with her son who was her greatest gift as she and Tina are mine. I will not lie to you, I'm struggling to move forward. I don't want to move forward, I don't care what anyone says in-spite of the good intentions. I don't want to do anything, again this is my head leading my heart. My heart wants to say thank you for all the prayers, my heart wants to be happy and look forward to something, anything. But I believe I'm in the deepest part of grief and it has to take its course. I don't want to be here, I don't want to be sad, all of you who know me personally know that I'm a happy person who loves life and My God. To be stuck in this place is like living in a foreign country and not speaking the language, it is against everything I believe. But I promise that I will remain faithful to the things I told you about from the start. FAITH HOPE and LOVE this is all we have. This world does not promise us that there will be no heartache for the faithful. We are the ones that must stand up when we are wounded. I have the strength of my daughter who was the strongest woman I knew and in time she will wake me out of this darkness and say "mom, get the message out there" I have really tried, for those who have been on this journey of faith, you know that while she suffered I was holding on, while we were faced with our worst nightmare I was holding up many. Well now it hit home, I'm the one down and have to get back up. Please pray that I can with your help. I'm so sorry for asking anymore of you but I know in good faith I can not walk this walk alone.
response to my e-mails:
Deb, Stand strong, hold on.  You are not alone. We are with you, in our prayers and in our thoughts. Our love for you and your family will see you through.  The cross is heavy, but you can shoulder it..You did for 27 years.  Rely on that strength now.  May God and our dear Mother Mary be with you.

Debbie,

You will always have my prayers and support. Not just because you have helped me in so many ways, but also because you are an amazing person to me and I really care about you so much. You are a very strong person with a big and loving heart. As a mom I do understand why your heart hurts so much-why you are where you are. There will always be that missing piece nothing can fill. You said you feel like you were living in a foreign country and don’t know the language. That explains it I think because you are not used to your heart the way it is now. Your heart will never be quite the same again, but it’s still big and still full of love.  All of those happy times, all of the joy all of the love Nicole ever gave you, is all still in there.  Even with all the hurt and pain, that love will never leave your heart. It’s just harder for you to feel it right now I think.  I know - I am no expert of the heart. I do know it’s hard when your head speaks to you over your heart and your heart is just not in the right place. It’s so easy to go in the direction your mind takes you when your heart is not there to help guide you. I will keep praying hard for you and promise I will try even harder to rely on my Faith and Hope.
Debbie,

I am not going to lie to you, my heart hurts and aches for you.  They say that time heals all.  In this case, it might take a very long time.  Know in your heart that Nicole and Baby Robert are up there smiling down on all of you and are bonding like you can't imagine.  I find myself more and more looking up at the heavens, looking for their smiling faces a sign, anything.  Nicole was an angel here on earth sent to teach us all a lesson.  Unfortunately, the lesson plan wasn't long enough for everyone.  Knowing you, she will continue to teach us and send special messages when you least expect them.  Know that she is always there with you. 
May God Bless and keep you close to his Heart. 

I think of all of you all the time, and you are all in my prayers. I know it is so difficult to get through the days with the void of Nicole not being there. 

 As for Nicole – I have never seen anyone look so beautiful and so at peace than she did!  I was amazed at the turnout to pay respects to Nicole, as well as Debbie, Louis, Tina, Robert, and the rest of the family.  The Cadets from West Point added such a poignant touch.  I would make a bet Nicole never realized how much she touched people in her short life, and what an impression she left on everyone!  I hope everyone is alright, or as “alright” as one can be under the circumstances!

 The Mass was beautiful.  I can not believe Robert got up and spoke about their courtship as beautifully as he did.  My heart aches for him!  The singing by the choir, the homily by the priest, all the priests on the altar, all combined to such a magnificent send off for such a beautiful person, as Nicole!

 I just wanted you to know how much I think of you and pray for you all

The service last Sunday was about the storms we go through in life and how faith and prayer help us weather them. It made me feel better for a while. It is really hard to maintain faith in some cases. The two hardest things for me is watching parents cry and packing up the belongings of a loved one. I find comfort in your blog and I know many others do as well. If you all need anything or if I can help  let me know mom.