October 9, 2011

Dear Loved Ones,
This week was difficult, the reality of our tremendous loss hit our home like a ton of bricks. As usual we were surrounded by our family and friends. Always welcome always bringing comfort. But when everyone leaves and it is just us..the loss of our family is magnified tenfold. We are not angry we are not searching anymore for answers. We were as any parent would asking did we do enough....that had to stop. Grief can make your faith clouded, as I found out by myself on certain nights. I have never experienced anything like this and I pray none of you ever will. I guess its just to say death is so final. You can not wait for the next week or the next month to say I will see her then...it won't be happening and that is a tough one to swallow. I have learned many things in my life from Nicole as I have stated in past e-mails. One of things I must recall and send the message onto you is to live.
As parents of a child with Cystic Fibrosis, we never took tomorrow for granted. We always new there could be no tomorrow. You become conditioned to live for the day. Twenty four hours is what God gave us and we approached everyday that way. We did not put off things we wanted to do, there were no future plans made, rather we lived for the moments. And isn't ironic that Nicole's quote was "life is not measured by the breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away" of course this came later in life, but perhaps it had so much meaning to her and to us because truly that was what we tried to do. And in her short life with Robert it was the same thing.
I guess what I want to make sure hits every home this reaches is simply this: do not take moments for granted. Say I love you as often as you can (thank you Nicole for the 6 plus calls a day...never ending without "I love you mom") Tina and Lou also..every call.
don't put off the things of importance to you and your loved one, if you can make them happy do it, sacrifice and put someone
else's needs before your own...you will feel so much better for doing that. Open your heart, there is so much more we can do to change the world if we take time to listen. I never drive with my radio on, there is so much noise in the world and distractions, I feel it is a time of quite I can hear God speak to me heart. Take an extra few minutes in the morning before you start your crazy days to be still, to Feel, and to pray. It becomes a way of life. It becomes the air you breathe, you can't live without it once you start calling on your spiritual life. This journey we tool together was just that. I received e-mail after e-mail asking me to continue writing. Because we were on a mission of faith. My fear now is that everyone goes back to the life lived before...and what we worked at is lost. Please don't allow that to happen to you. Go back to the driving force you had when we started and let Nicole's life reshape yours. Live for the moments that take your breath away. Live to be a better person, live for God's plan, not yours.
If your faith started, nurture it: if your faith was formed, increase it :if you are seeking, seek God, in all things love with all your heart.
I will be going to mass today with my family,I will as I always do, ask for peace and strength for the journey. I will bring all of you with me in my heart, for your prayers and faith got me through the darkest of days. May the love of our God embrace you and your families and draw you closer to him through this journey. I remain forever grateful to all of you, Debbie
responses to my e-mail:

Dearest Debbie, 

I hope all our prayers are still giving you some comfort. You are all in my thoughts every single day…..always! Every evening, I look up to the stars and pray……I know Nicole and Robert Louis are watching over their family and all of us. I know they are completely at peace and surrounded by love in God's kingdom…..I may be the least likely person to tell you this, but to my very core, I feel their presence….a calm, serene feeling that I've come to depend on during the sad moments when my heart is breaking for all of you. I want you to know, that I've decided to go back to church….St. Mary's across the street from me. The journey with you through all of this has re-awakened my spirituality and I feel I must come back to God's home. Not only was Nicole a gift to you, but she was an inspirational gift to the world. I've never seen so much love gathered in one place! So many tears of love……all for the beautiful angel that God sent you to nurture. God is proud of you….so proud, for taking such devoted and loving care of his child, your child….our child. Through you, Lou and Tina…..God gave the world a glimpse of his love, compassion and devotion…..and now, she and baby are back in their forever home…..awaiting God's progression of the rest of his angels to join them in the beloved, final resting place. 

I know you have many, many loved ones around you, but just say the word if you need an extra hug, sounding board, crying buddy…..anything. 

Thank you for the note.  I will continue to pray for Debbie as well as her entire family.  She is truly a Blessing and although she is hurting (as we all are, but not nearly like her) she still manages
to be strong and like a rock for each of us that were touched by her kindness and generosity in love and helping our children in CCD.  I truly feel blessed to have come to know and love her.  She
helped my daughter who suffers from high anxiety to get thru CCD and make her Communion.  I am thankful too that she has a special friendship with you and you with her and the family.  I
honestly feel that too is helping her.  Nothing is going to make it easier.  Thank you for being you and for helping her during this, a most difficult chapter in her life.  

You have taught me more in a month than anyone has taught me in 46 years.  I consider myself to be extremely spiritual.  I have conversations with God many times in a day.  I speak to him in my car, while washing dishes and even in the shower.  Not necessarily prayers but conversations as if He was seated next to me.  I am truly grateful for all that He has given me and I try to pay it forward in the world.  As faithful as I thought I was, you have shown me what it means to be truly faithful.   Every email you have sent, has helped me in some way.  I look for them every morning as they make me stronger and better.  You have a gift that is so beneficial to us all.  Your words provide strength and hope while your undying faith reassures me that I am safe in this scary world as long as the Lord is in my heart.

It is very clear to me why God chose you to be Nicole's mommy.  You exude love, you always have, and that love wraps itself around whoever you are with.  There is a warmth that pours out of you.  You were blessed with an extraordinary amount of strength that I have no doubt made Nicole feel safe in the face of such a horrible disease. It doesn't surprise me one bit that someone so special bore an angel child.

Hi Aunt Debbie,

I love the emails you are sending us, it means a lot to me, nothing will be the same without Nicole.  

My precious friend,  I have kept you, Lou and Tina in my thoughts all day, every day.  I, of course, have thought about Nicole also.  What she taught me with that cute face.  The grace she had, even as a second grader.  Unless you experienced it, no one can really understand.

We would like to come and spend some time with you and Lou soon.  When you are ready.  Just let us know.  We are thinking of you always and love you so much.

I thank God for the great faith he has given you and your husband, Luigi. Thanks for touching so many other lives even in your moment of grief and loss.

May Nicole and her son rest in perfect peace!

Every blog you wrote,i read with tears,I did not have the privilege to meet Nicole in person,but we spoke on Facebook many times,and we were both so excited to be mommies.i to have CF,and I to am pregnant,just 16 weeks,I've been trying so hard to take care of myself,and though I am not very religious,I prayed for Nicole and her son probably more than I have ever prayed for anyone,she was such a wonderful person with a beautiful heart! I pray that you find comfort in the years your got with her,and the love that so many have for her,I promise you she will always be remembered! Myself and baby are doing well,and I know Nicole is watching down on me now,and for that I am so thankful! All my love

The blanket of God's love and compassion are there to surround you and your family during these coldest hours. Stand under His umbrella of protection throughout this storm. I will continue to pray for all of you. My heart is full of sadness for you.

My Dearest Deb, I pray every night to Nicole and God to give the strength 
needed and for Nicole to show you she is still near you and help you with your 
grief the thought that keeps coming back to me from Nicole I am sure is "Dream 
like you will live forever, Live like you will die today" My love to you and 
family

Each time I read your blog I am awash with fresh tears.  That's not a bad thing.  It shows that there is still a connection between you and those that have followed the trials that have befallen your beautiful family.
It reminds us that even though your heart is completely shattered .. faith can survive.
Nicole was an exceptional woman, that's something we'll never forget.  You have been so much to so many people, please never apologize for the length of time it takes to rebuild yourself to somewhat of your former self because we all know it will never be the same, take your time.  There will always be a missing piece to the puzzle that is your life.  Now you have to find a way to function in a different way.
My family and I pray for you daily.  May your faith sustain you and heal your heart so that you may enjoy the rest of your family .. until you are reunited with your angels.

Debbie,

I’ve been thinking of you and I saw your posts today. The love that you have for Nicole is just so beautiful. I love my children more than anything but then I see the love you have and just how deep it is. Your heart is so deep and so full and as you’ve said to me before, it pours out. I see it and feel it when I read what you write and every time I’ve ever spoke with you. I can feel how strong it is and now I can feel the love and pain you have at the same time. My eyes are welling up with tears now. I may have told you this before but I don’t think I’ve ever met someone quite like you. I know a lot of very nice people, but you are truly genuine. It’s just amazing to see and I’m so grateful to God for bringing you to me in life. You are such and inspiration. Now I just wish God could help me to be a better person, to feel some more love in my heart. It’s tough to see it and feel it from other people, but to not know how to feel it in my own heart. I’m pretty sure it’s there and it exists, I just have to keep having hope I can find it. I know that being Nicole’s mom is what made you a lot of the person you are today, together with your faith & love of God and the faith of your family is just so amazing. The fact that you can share it with everyone keeps it all so alive and brings your faith and love to so many others

I loved your email so much I read it twice.

I want to tell you that even though it seems as if everyone is going back to life as usual,
no one's life is or ever will be the same again. Nicole's life and your reaching out to everyone on Nicole's behalf has strengthened faith, brought hearts together and taught all of us the meaning of pure LOVE.
So many, as well as I, have Nicole, baby Robert, you and your family in our hearts 24/7.

My precious friend, I have kept you, Lou and Tina in my thoughts all day, every day. I, of course, have thought about Nicole also. What she taught me with that cute face. The grace she had, even as a second grader. Unless you experienced it, no one can really understand.

The blog is an excellent idea.  Not only is it therapeutic for you, but it is also a vehicle to lead people to the Lord.  Your constant and strong faith continues to inspire.  Your family is a blessing to everyone.

My prayers continue for your comfort and healing.  The road ahead will be long, but you and your family will figure out how to redefine what normal looks like and you will live and laugh again.

Not a day has past that I'm not overcome with tears & sadness just thinking about Nicole.  I want so badly to pick up the phone to call you but I'm afraid of losing it and that would not be fair to you. 

Deb. the blog is a great platform for you to spread your message.  I truly believe your hearing the song in the food store was a message to you from God, just like it was to you when it became your song for Nicole.  The day we left the cemetery Eric Clapton's song he wrote for his son "Tears in Heaven" was on the radio just as it was 5 years ago when my cousin Michael passed away.   It's  to eerie to just be coincidental!  Maybe they are the signs that we are looking for and hope that we are able to embrace them for evoking the spirit of the physical being we have lost.

I hope as each day passes you are able to find peace in knowing that you are an amazing loving family, so much so that Nicole's dream was to be a mother  and have a family just like you were.  And that you may once again find laughter, its the best remedy to restore your soul.

Hi Debbie,

Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you tonight. I was so glad to see you at church today and to be able to give you a hug. Please remember every time you see you me at church that if it weren’t for you I probably wouldn’t even be there. When things feel tough and I have my doubts I think of you and want don’t want to give up. You have given me so much and I am forever grateful. Thank you! Remember, I am here for you too. Let me know when you want to meet and we can talk and if you need to cry I’m here for you. I wish you peace and comfort tonight. You are all in my thoughts.

You and your family have been a tremendous blessing to all of us, and I especially thank God for the beautiful blessings he gives us each and every day.  As monsignor said in his homily, none of us would turn down an offer to have a beautiful child for any period of time, knowing at the end he would call that child home to Him.  Knowing you and Lou the little we do, it is not at all surprising you would have been given two such beautiful children to help you on your journey through life.  The two of you have heard God’s call to you, and have been and continue to be a tremendous blessing to all of us who strive to know and follow God’s will for us each day.

Knowing God has called Nicole and Robert Louis to him is certainly a consolation, but that does not change the fact there is now a big part of your daily lives which does not include Nicole’s voice, her presence.  I am sure she is praying for all of you as you did for her every day of her life here on earth.  Another blessing for all of you; to have Nicole in heaven praying for all of you.

My thoughts and prayers are with you always.  I visited Nicole's grave yesterday and my first thought was to ask her to watch over all of you and then it occurred to me that she already is.  I think she is going to take care of you like you took care of her for her whole life. Even though her life was way too short she was very lucky to have the family she had and so much love and support from everyone. As a mother I can't begin to imagine the grief that you are going through but please know that our love and support are with all of you everyday.