Yesterday was one of the most difficult days in the life of a mother....over the last few days I watched hundreds of people morn my daughter. She looked elegant in her off white chiffon and satin dress. We stood by her side Robert, myself, Lou and Tina. She was the most beautiful angel your eyes could behold. Everything about her perfect down to the smallest detail. And Robert Louis in a beautiful and fitting Angelic Urn lay next to her. We tried to give her the send off of a saint. The funeral home family, who have known us for years, loved and cared for her as if she was part of them. You could feel it in everything they did, with gentle loving care. My family will never forget the way they embraced her.
Each person that waited on a line for up 1 1/2 hours, had nothing but heartfelt grief, and love for Nicole. Her teachers, nurses, doctors, classmates, friends, co-workers of ours, friends of friends and family from across the country, a train ride for hours, one cousin flew in from Italy for just one day, her Aunt and cousins drove through the night from North Carolina, a cousin took a red eye flight from Florida, some drove, friends from the southern tip of Jersey,and believe it or not strangers. More than one person told me they did not know us but heard about Nicole from one of my e-mails that was forwarded and had to be there, the kindest of words were spoken, the tears kept falling. But the four of us tried to remain strong for her. I must have hugged one thousand people, trying to absorb their pain...because that's what I do. Of course there were moments to overpowering for me, and the breakdown came on Monday morning with the last goodbye like a damn burst. It dropped me to my knees,on the floor, in the lap of my precious niece Natalie, my Tina holding onto me, the pain in my chest and heartache of not seeing or hearing the voice of my angel was killing me inside.
How would I live without those 6 or more daily phone calls. Mom how do you make....mom do you want to meet for lunch...mom do you want to get your nails done...mom I don't feel well, what should I do? Oh my Lord how, how do I move forward was my question on Monday morning after leaving the funeral home. I had to be lead out, I never looked at who was there, I didn't hold anyone up that morning...I had nothing left. Watching our family and friends that I love so much crying in pain was just to much.
I was put in the limo, cried my eyes out as I watched Michael, Bryan, Zachary, Albert, Richie, Tom, Kevin and Michael carry my daughters white casket to the hearse. These strong men who were now crumbling in pain. I was so proud of them and what they did for her in their moments of grief. Thank you for that from the bottom of my heart. As we drove to the church I was really concerned about how I would make it through the mass. The hearse in front of us, we exited the car....our church was lined with the very Cadets I hugged the day before, men and women in uniform usually don't show emotion or cry. But I held everyone of them with tears in their eyes and thanked them on behalf of my son in law and our family. "I am honored and proud to have you here, thank you" the response always the same "its our honor mam, thank you" How humbling, it was to much for the human heart.
As I walked passed them with Robert, Lou and Tina I felt a presence like no other. We draped our daughters casket with a holy cloth and entered the church. There were 20 or more choir members who took the day off to sing, 2 Monsignors, 4 priests and 3 Deacons, I don't think any dignitary has that many holy men serving a mass...but these were also our friends.They break bread in my house and knew our pain, the comfort it would bring to have them there was unmeasurable. Robert started the mass with a eulogy he wrote about their love story and read a poem he wrote 5 years before he met Nicole, about the loss of his wife. Just like Nicole had a GI-Joe at 18 with the same Army Ranger uniform Robert wore...this was their destiny, meant to be together for as long as God aloud. Msgr. Colaccico prayed over her with incense and showed such reverence...reverence deserving of an Angel.
Msgr Farley married them 4 years ago and did the homily, his words delivered gently, he talked mostly about LOVE. Love of her upbringing, the love that continues in our lives daily. The love of her and her soul mate Robert. The child they had, and Nicole's need to be a mother. Msgr. said, I suspect when she arrived in heaven to see the face of God a little boy ran to her feet "Mommy" he said....and then I knew. I knew my daughters dream of motherhood was fulfilled. Not the way most of us picture motherhood to be. But a motherhood that would allow her to hold and care for her precious child. A mother who could love without sickness to hold her back. A place of pure peace and happiness. At that moment, I knew she was happy and with the angels and Jesus in heaven. At that moment I felt a peace come over me. In his homily he asked if God made a deal with you to have Nicole for just 27 years and then have to give her back would you make it? A resounding yes..yes...yes. because in those 27 years, my Nicole taught me more about life than I could have ever learned on my own. She strengthened my faith to a level as high as the heavens.
She taught me love and compassion like I never knew, she taught me to forgive with a pure heart...and so many things it would take forever to write. She taught me all this with few words....Nicole was quite, soft spoken and meek on the outside, she was private and selfless. It was her actions that told her story...a silent worrier....no attention on herself or her illness.
Complete grace and beauty.
I know more than ever now, she was called to be an angel on this earth and to give us a message of God's love. Think about the lives she has touched across the world, about the lives she has changed...how it has changed your own heart. How could any human being have that effect on people she didn't know? I know now that I have to live for her and continuously send out her message of God's love and the life for us to come. And so my precious Angel, I will live for you,
for "the moments that take my breath away" Let her message ring in your own hearts...love deeper, show compassion for others, be selfless, show forgiveness and above all LOVE GOD And Neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. This child of mine was a miricale even if the prayers we asked for were not answered the way we wanted. God knew what was best and we must trust in his infinite wisdom. It will be revealed to us one day all the whys you might have. Don't waste your time on why...but TRUST, Trust with all your heart. I will continue to write if you need to be directed by this spiritual gift that was given to us, even though I question if I should still e-mail or stop at this point. I just want to send her message around the world again and again. Never forget the journey we took together...I will remain forever thankful for all the prayers and blessings you gave my family. Please, Please continue to pray for our strength....as we continue to pray for all the people we met in the hospital waiting room over those long 21 days. I'm open to suggestions on how we can change the world one heart at a time. Maybe we can have prayer e-mail chain to inspire our hearts and keep us close. It is with much love I say goodnight, for myself and my family...God Bless You Always
Responses to my e-mail:
Oh Debbie, Not a moment goes by that I am not thinking of you and your beautiful family. And like you said, all I can picture is Nicole running across heaven in that beautiful angelic dress, tossing her baby boy in the air, laughing and smiling and breathing freely... at last. No disease. No concerns. Just the pure love and bliss of being a mother. A forever mother.
Years ago, Sr. Grace told me that God created Mary as the most beautiful woman in the world. And she is in every image you see of her. I have always remembered that and have never in my life seen anyone who rivaled her beauty. But every time I looked at Nicole, all I could think of was our Blessed Mother. Nicole was so beautiful and so wholesome, so much like our Blessed Mother. God definitely has special plans for her and I will pray to her all the days of my life. I know my life will never be the same after taking this journey with your beautiful family. The Grace of God has touched so many through Nicole and I am forever grateful and humbled that you allowed me to be part of your life. Thank you Debbie, Lou, Robert and Tina for being the wonderful people you are. May God continue to bless each of you and may you someday soon find that "joy" once again that Nicole brought to your lives. You are very special people and I am so honored to be your friend.
Debbie,I have thought of you all weekend, thought of the pain and heartache your family was made to endure! As I thought of all the sadness I also thought of all the love your family has in their hearts and most importantly the love you have for our Lord. We will all have a special place in our hearts for your family and precious Nicole. I feel as if I know you although we have never met. Teresa shares wonderful stories with me of special times she's spent with you and your family. Thank you for inspiring all of us in this time of tremendous grief. Please keep emailing all of us. We all need a constant reminder of how special God's love is. You are that reminder. God bless you, your family and your angels Nicole and baby Robert xoxo
Hi Debbie,
You don’t know me, but I have gotten to know you and your beautiful daughter Nicole over the past month as I read your e-mails forwarded to me by my good friend Teresa .You painted such a vivid picture in all your e-mails, culminating with the last one I just read this morning, to the point where I felt like I saw you at the funeral mass and felt all your emotions, from pain to gratitude and hope because of your faith. As a mother, I cannot truly imagine how you are feeling and how you have coped with such strength and you have taught me to appreciate and be grateful for all the little things and to have a greater faith in God and the Universe and to be stronger. I truly believe that we are all here for a purpose and you so eloquently described what Nicole, your angel, taught you in her 27 years. On the flip side, it seems Nicole was also so very lucky to be placed in your care for her lifetime. It’s so obvious you loved her so deeply and were open to the lessons she was here to teach you. God bless you and your family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you continued strength, faith and hope. You truly are an inspiration.
Your beautiful words truly have left me speechless tonight...Keep writing, debs.
Dear Debbie,
I am a friend of terry's. I want to thank you for the privilege of praying for Nicole, you, Lou, Tina and Robert. my Faith has been strengthened and my spiritual focus reset and renewed at a time when it needed to be, internally. my girls, and I prayed together and alone, out loud together in our kitchen and alone silently during the course of these days. our thoughts and prayers were there with you for those 21 days. Debbie, do you know the God Sent gift you gave my daughters? you must know that you did, The Holy Spirit must have touched us through you, and what an honor that is for us. I as an adult realize this, but for my girls - 18, 13, and 11, it is a "life experience" they will never forget Debbie, we spoke about Nicole at our kitchen table, Nicole's humility in spite of her suffering, we cried out loud, with each other, we spoke about the relationship amongst your family and how we could only strive to have half that dedication, faithfulness and LOVE for one another that your family has and we would be rich in love. just half. and your loving family encouraged my girls to understand loving sisterly relationships and dedication to one another. I had them look into Tina and Nicole's eyes and witness the love through the actions shared with us. I told my girls, regarding Tina's photo of camped out in hosp room and her remark about "wanting to take the pain from her sister Nicole" who does that? says that? I asked my girls.. usually a mother to a child, so look how loving unique and wonderful this sisterly relationship is. (although I must share with you at one conversation in 06 that I had with my daughters, my middle girl, Caitlin, said a similar thing, I was giving her information on someone else, and her little round face said "I wish it was me" - she was 9 then Debbie. anyway, this is not about that - this is about thanking you for all you have done for us these last 21 days of crisis. for me I am strengthened and touched but for my girls you left a hand print, or faith print on their hearts. I know this. my little Mary was the one who asked her CCD class to pray for Nicole and Robert Louis the first week then Nicole the second week and this is the beautiful faith of a child as Jesus said. her empathy was Heaven sent. we are still with you in prayer and thoughts, thoughts soo many thoughts. I have asked the girls for special prayers for Robert, a soldier who has been to Iraq who has lost what is near dear and precious to him. it has to be too much- so - I tell myself he must have been handpicked by God. I am comforted by the fact he has you, Lou, and Tina. Debbie. thank you again.
still praying,
Dear Debbie,
Please know that you all are in my daily thoughts and prayers... You know you all can count on me if you need anything. God bless you all.. may you know the peace that comes from Jesus.Before Sunday I had not met you, Debbie, in person. I had seen you, Lou and the family many, many times in mass; a beautiful, reverent family. I had the pleasure of meeting Lou at the men's group a couple years ago and was introduced to his larger than life, warm smile. Clearly our Lord speaks through you as is obvious in your notes. In the midst of all you went through these very long weeks, you found time, strength and courage to pour your heart out and proclaim your faith, our faith. You referred to our priests as holy men. Yes, they are indeed and we treasure them, but you are holy and treasured too. In as much as they've inspired us so many Sundays, your words over the last few weeks have likewise done so. You have shared with so many your walk in faith, an unedited, almost raw and as real as it gets faith. It was bone deep. God's response may not have provided answers to all your 'whys', but your faith is true and it knows love and hope and trusts that in time all questions will be answered. Mary's did too. Yes, you have given me and my family a gift. My faith, my prayer life, my view of the simplicity of life has changed. I thank you. You are part of His plan. You are a beautiful, wonderful person.
Life is precious, it's real and it's too short now matter when we're called home. Nicole forever remains an example of everything a parent would want their child to grow to become. She has given me and my family a gift. She is your testimony as a good and holy father. Your seat on Saturday's in our St. Joseph's Men's Group was earned. You are part of His plan. You too have given me and my family a gift, and I thank you. You are truly a man of God.
Please know that you and your family continue to be part of my family's thoughts and prayers every day. May you all know His consolation, love and peace.
Please know that you and your family continue to be part of my family's thoughts and prayers every day. May you all know His consolation, love and peace.
Debbie,
I can’t tell you how much this has all touched me. I can’t tell you enough how much you amaze and inspire me. Your faith, the faith that Nicole helped to give you. The faith that she strengthened in you throughout her life, just means so much to me. My faith waivers back and forth every day, every week. But then I listen to you. Since the first time I went to talk to you at your house and through these past few weeks. You give and show me so much, and give me something to look forward to. Faith is not an easy thing for me, never was. I accept that it’s never going to be easy. But, because of you and all you’ve learned from your life and Nicole’s life give me such reason to keep trying. I’ve lived 43 years and I’ve never met or known someone to inspire my faith before. No one has ever affected my life the way you have. There are many times I want to run away from it all because, like I said, it’s not easy. But then I think of you and I think of all you have shown and taught me the last several months and I feel foolish to think that way. I’ve had that thought it as recent as this morning, but then I read this email again. It brought tears to my eyes and you inspired me yet again and reminded me why I need to continue on. You have been through so much this past month and have gone through something that every parent fears, which is losing a child. I feel your pain when I read your emails, but I’m know that I can’t feel it the way you feel it. Through all that you have had to endure you still have your faith and you still care so much about others. That to me is more than amazing and is a miracle in my eyes. I feel so lucky to know you and to call you a friend. 
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